on, have a laugh: go on, go on, go on --
Oh, Go Ooonn!"
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and her wheelchair.
is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and
getting up to max speed on the long corridors. Because she
and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic,
they all tolerate each other and some of the males actually
day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Mad Mike, with his arm stretched out, stepped out.
"Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you
got a license for that
Ethel opened her handbag, pulled out a Kit kat wrapper and
held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and Ethel sped down the hall.
she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Wild Bill popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop!
you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and
it up to him. Bill nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Bonkers Brian, bold as brass, erect and stark naked, stepped
in front of her.
no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab
driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring
and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't
to offend you."
answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're
as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
First, you have to be single and second you must be Catholic."
cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single
I'm Catholic too!"
nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back
on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child,"
the nun, "why are you crying?"
me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."
nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my
to a Halloween party."
Pardner, What Happened In Texas.
cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.
went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head and without even looking, fired a
into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?"
he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his
had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been
returned to the post.
saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,
"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm
a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam.
It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go
golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick,
and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God,
''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
I guess not,'' says God.
priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't
bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when
he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball
495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Peter watches in disbelief and asks,
''Why did you let him do that?''
this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Can Have A Beautiful Wife Too.
this guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me two beers."
The bartender obliges him.
The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more
the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went
on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on
going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.
bartender scratching his head turns to the man and asks,
"What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"
man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink,
the prettier my wife gets."
didn't realize how intelligent I was until I'd finished a
jigsaw puzzle recently. It took me 8 days to complete, and
on the box it read 3 to 5 years!
young man walked into a shoe shop and bought a pair of Tortoise
Shell Shoes. It took him 4 hours to walk out again.
Cheap Can A Woman Be.
the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came
looking tired and somber.
afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved
one at this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will
procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After
great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much
does a brain
doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
for a female brain."
moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much
doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to
mark down the price of the female brains, because they've
actually been used."
To A Happy Marriage.
is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
It is important to find a woman who likes to make love.
It is important that these three women never meet.
Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate
for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to
find a little Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch
of neckties laid-out on it.
The Arab asked. "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have
some water?" The man replied. "I don't have any
water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely
with our robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie you idiot,
I need water!"
don't buy a tie," said the Jewish man. "But to show
you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over the hill,
about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll
give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him
and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish
man was sitting behind his card table. He said, "I told
you, about 4 miles over that hill, couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it alright, but they
wouldn't let me in without a tie."
Johnny returns from school and says he
got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?'
I said '6'" "But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the freakin' difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said, dad!"
Ad in The New York Post.
Sale By Owner - Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes, excellent condition. $500 , or best offer. No
longer needed. Got married last week, wife knows everything.
New Zealander landed at Heathrow Airport on route to the All
Blacks rugby game. Not feeling very well, he decided to go
to a doctor. "Hey doc,
I don't feel so good!" said Wiremu.
doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had altitude sickness, and the only cure was testicular
removal. "No way doc," replied Wiremu, "I'm
getting a second opinion eh!"
second english doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised Wiremu that testicular removal was the only cure.Not
surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
was devastated. With only hours to go before the All Blacks
opening game, he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to
get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu, you have
eltitude suckness eh." "Whats the cure thin doc?"
asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. "Will Wiremu,"
said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna hev to cut off
your balls." "Phew, thenk god for thet!" said
Wiremu. "Those Pommie sods wanted to take my test-tickets
young brunette went into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible,"
says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger
and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her
knee and screams. She pushes her ankle and screams , and so
it goes on.
doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
"No", She says, "I'm really a blond."
"I thought so," he says, "Your fingers broken."
man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olyimpic
Sheaths. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home
he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
Sheaths?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold,
Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to
wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of
course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds,"Really!! why don't you wear silver,
it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
A Cheeky Neigh
horse walks into a saloon and the barman says,
"Hey! why the long face?"
man walks into a bar "Ouch!" it was an iron bar!
It Again Sam.
guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool
and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts
the piano. This other guy notices it.
twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed
made a wish, and I got a twelve inch pianist.”
I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later,
a million ducks fill the room.
I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million
think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
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